From the Ashes
by sahdah
Summary: In the aftermath of winning against the Capitol. Katniss returns to district 12 to rebuild her life. What happened in the fifteen year lifespan she shares with Peeta prior to the epilogue. Rated for smut.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: Chapter 1**

 **From the Ashes**

Peeta was searching frantically for Katniss; she had disappeared with Johanna moments before. How strange he had just been on the beach with her, her lips warm and familiar on his. Something in her usual standoffish manner had changed; she had become warm and inviting, intense with life pulsing through her veins.

They were in the cave. He felt hot and angry, and her soft lips were once again on his, her manner again intense like it had been on the beach moments before.

The sound of something dripping was slowly filling his mind; the smell of blood was in his nostrils. The warm sound of heaving breathing was in his face and his blood had turned cold.

Opening his eyes he immediately focused on the dripping, it was not the rain as he had thought and he was not in the cave. The Katniss Mutt of his nightmares was dripping drool onto his bleeding stump of a leg.

The smell of the roses was over powering in the tightly enclosed sewer, _Katnisssssss_

The lizard mutts were after her again, they would disembowel her and he would not be able to stop them. In fact he would be helping them.

Looking down on his hands he saw them already covered in blood, warm sticky blood. Looking into the face of the body he was momentarily relieved that it was not Katniss. The relief was short lived and replaced by nausea.

Mitchell looked down at Peeta through the clouded eyes of the dead… "Capitol Mutt…" was all he whispered.

The sticky tar from the Pod held Peeta in place, keeping him frozen as he finally locked eyes on Katniss who was running through the crowd towards Prim.

Prim, her young sister, who was helping the Capitol children who had just been bombed. The second parachutes exploded into a fire ball consuming the young girl who was trying to reach the Mockingjay.

The fire consumed the woman that had been ripped from his heart replaced her with shining terror, and that uncontrollable desire to end her life. She erupted into magnificent flames blown back to him but he couldn't reach her because he himself was on fire…

"PRIM!"

The scream kept reaching his ears although his world had gone black, he was nothing. Then the realization hit him, Katniss was still screaming.

…

 _I am dreaming, real or not real?_ There being only one way of finding out, Peeta willed his eyes open and sure enough the screaming was coming from the woman beside him in the bed.

It was a choked off sound of something being tortured to death, after all he would know that sound anywhere. It was how he and Johanna had comforted themselves those long weeks in President Snow's excellent company.

Assuring himself that nothing was shimmering, he inched his way closer to her writhing body. Observing the slight sheen of moisture on her forehead, he watched as his hand extended to her tangled hair and carefully wiped a few loose strands from her scarred face.

The effect was much more immediate than he had anticipated. Her screams died down to a pitiful whimpering again resigning herself to the painful truth, her sister no longer existed.

The sound of the door creaking open made his eyes snap in that direction and in the gloom he made out the squash faced cat, which had most likely come up to see what had taken him so long to quiet the screaming woman.

"Shhh. She's fine now, I'm awake." Obviously he still had many mental issued to overcome if he was having conversations with Buttercup but they both did, especially if it concerned Prim. Always when he came home to her conversations with Buttercup he would wait them out on the porch, he knew how much she hated showing that weakness.

Seeing that all was as it should be Buttercup retreated back to the room he had shared with Prim. As the cat was the sole occupant in this new reality.

Peeta returned his attention to the sleeping woman. It was hard to shake the emotions he was still feeling from the dream. It was the realization that he needed her, just as she needed him in this moment. Curling his body more protectively towards her, feeling the heat from her fevered dream as well as the cool breeze from the open window, he continued brushing her hair from her face.

The war had ravaged her features, but whose features were left unscarred, one look in the mirror, the absence of his leg, they were all damaged Capitol goods now anyway. Katniss was so small in his arms, she had been through so much and still barely eating.

It had been a year since he had returned to plant her primroses and inhaling the breeze he noted their light scent on the air. Of course that would have triggered her nightmare, and his. Mentally he kicked himself for being the source of her pain.

"Nothing can hurt her any more, Katniss." He whispered to her inhaling her scent, running his fingers lightly on the burn scars that had missed most of her face but caught some of her neck.

The pain hit him from nowhere…it was an intense feeling of guilt, remorse…he remembered seeing her for the first time in District 13, since the second arena. His hands had closed around her neck. He hadn't even gotten to see the bruises that had formed because she had left immediately after Boggs had knocked him out. The pain of the memory threatened to overcome him, feeling her pain moments earlier as she screamed helpless against her nightmares. Cautiously he touched the scars from the last fight at the Capitol…they had turned him into a monster.

It had not occurred to him that he might be crying until his breath hitched and he felt the moisture from his eyes on her neck where he had buried his face into her hair. Holding her body tightly to his he started kissing the spots where his hands had tightened against her throat. Nothing would hurt her again; the thought could not be borne.

Tears were still leaking from his closed eyes as he rested his cheek on hers. _I still love you Katniss. You love me, real or not real?_

"Real," was the whisper that reached his ear, momentarily startling him as he had not realized he had spoken his pain out loud. Moving his head back to better see her face in the dim moon light, he realized that she was holding onto him as tightly as he was holding her.

His heart was hammering loudly in his ears, her slate eyes looked up at him with the intensity he had felt only in his dreams and in two real moments with her.

Peeta watched her as she inched closer to him, her eyes now focused on his mouth and he waited as she paused, her eyes flickering up to his and back to his mouth but she moved no more. In that moment he understood her hesitation and closed the distance between them immediately.

There it was. The heat, the intensity he had felt that last time on the beach. _Real._ Her love for him, it was real. It was also as stubborn as her daftness for understanding the feelings others had for her. Yet, it was him that she loved.

The feel of her lips set his whole being on fire. Her hands were on his face and interweaving in his hair. Their bodies were becoming more tightly interlocked and their breathing ragged almost inseparable.

Again he buried his face into the side of her neck the earlier traces of his tears now dried up and he could taste the salt of it on her soft yet damaged skin. Her mouth was kissing his face, his mouth, cheek; he felt her tears on his neck and untangled himself to look at her.

"Katniss…" he whispered her name willing her to look at him. Gently tilting her chin up and finally catching her eyes holding her in his steady gaze. "What's wrong?"

The woman's hands gripped at the shirt he slept in, balling up on his chest, she seemed almost at war with herself. Then she looked up at him, the whisper almost inaudible. "I need you." Unwrapping her hands from his shirt, she pulled his face to hers kissing his mouth with all the feeling she could put behind it repeating, "I need you, Peeta."

Her hands trailed to the bottom of his shirt and her fingers worked their way into the elastic of the pants he slept in, he was already hard and the sensation of her hands so close to his proximity made his breath catch making him hold onto her body all the harder.

Katniss worked her hands under his shirt feeling the hardness of his muscles, he no longer had the bulk that he had at the start of their first Hunger Games but he was also no longer the emaciated body of Snow's tortured mutt either.

Being together in one another's company had once more helped him out more than her. It was slow going but she was improving every day, hunting but always looking out more for others than for herself.

She worked his shirt up to his shoulders and he immediately pulled it up over his head. Peeta watched her as she moved her hands over his naked upper body, her fingers were delicately tracing the scars left from the fire; it found some of the scars from the mist at Quarter Quell, and finally the scars he had given himself with the handcuffs while they moved through the Capitol. With each new discovery his blood burned hotter as she kissed every inch of ravaged skin her probing fingers came across.

No longer content Peeta worked his hands down to the hem of her night gown as he got it over her waist, her tiny hands clamped onto his wrists, looking down he saw her expression of terror. Kissing her face softly he whispered to her, "I need you the same way, Katniss. Nothing of what they did to us can compare to the way I _see_ you. You are not your scars, your beauty comes from a place they tried to destroy and failed…" At last she allowed the garment to be pulled over her small frame and he observed her in the early light of pre-dawn, taking in her beauty.

Looking down at her tear stained face it was obvious she thought otherwise. Peeta lowered his lips and continued doing what he had started, kissing her fire ravaged skin, while his hands moved and explored paces on her he had only ever dreamed of seeing, perhaps under other conditions.

At one time he had visualized her in white, but the Capitol had already done so much to mold and meld them together. Their union through blood, fire, and ashes could never be undone.

Her breath caught as his hands found the ugly scar left by Johanna's dissection of her tracker, how much blood had she lost, he covered the old wound in kisses. Noticing her breath quicken as his hands got further ahead of his attentions. The heat of her skin felt amazing, against his own bare skin and they both realized that he still had more clothing on than she did.

Again her hands were at the elastic of the pants, with the heat being generated from the two of them it became hard not to notice that their scents had strongly changed. There was already light moisture that had seeped from her undergarment and mixed with his own still trapped in the fabric of the pants that were straining against his hard erection.

This time it was Peeta's turn to steady her hands. "You do realize that I am…"

Her finger against his lips silenced his protests. "We all are Peeta. You said it didn't matter." Her lips found his again as her hands pushed his pants off his frame.

Peeta pulled away from Katniss, a thought had occurred to him. "Naked bodies make you uncomfortable, real or not real?"

He was met with her fierce scowl, which became more or less confused upon seeing his amused expression. "Are you mocking me Peeta Mellark? Because I am warning you…"

Figuring the conversation had moved into dangerous territory he held her body close to his and kissed her deeply cutting off any further protests for the time being. When at last he pulled away he did so with an apology. "No, I remembered our first Hunger Games when you found me in the stream bed. Thank you…for saving my life all those times. With everything that the Capitol messed with, I just wanted to make sure that I hadn't imagined that part…that sweet part that was completely you, if that makes sense?"

Katniss studied his face; he seemed lost in that memory, with his arm propped up on the pillow his hand buried in his golden locks. The morning dawn was giving him a glowing halo. "Real…but it wasn't the idea of you being naked, you just didn't care if you were naked or not. You were bleeding it was so ghastly." She turned away from his face.

Working her hand down his leg to where Cato had stabbed him, there was nothing left. The Capitol had banished all but the very slightest trace of the horrible wound she had drained and cleaned. Past his knee there was nothing, the Capitol had taken the leg she had failed to save.

For some odd reason the realization that she had failed him in saving his leg as well as her treatment of him after he had been hijacked forced such a strong wave of remorse on her she began to cry once again.

"Katniss…I'm sorry I didn't mean to bring it up." Peeta brushed away her tears and held her body tightly to his.

There was a profound sense of how right his body fit next to hers, yet he was pressed tightly against her last garment, the early rays of sunlight were starting to stream into the room and a part of him felt that maybe the moment had been lost.

They lay there, Peeta stroking her hair, as her sobs quieted his lips pressed against her forehead, and it was enough for him. After all he would always be there for her. Nothing would take her from him.

"No, Peeta, I'm sorry. I have no idea what I'm doing and everything makes me cry now. I have no idea what you must think." She kissed his chest gripping his body tightly and wrapped her legs around him. "I still need you…I want you…I want this…"

He needed no second invitation he was already holding her tightly and now his hands moved down her back removing the last piece of clothing separating them. Her scent washed over him and he kissed her neck hungrily, eliciting a soft moan from her lips that re-lit his fire faster than he himself thought possible.

As that part of him finally encountered the soft skin and moisture between her legs they both gasped. Her hands gripped his hair tightly and their mouths met, tongues tentatively exploring one another tasting the joy and sadness of the other.

Peeta gripped her tightly around her waist and twisted her up off her side setting her gently on his hips, his erection was now trapped between his lower abdomen and her hips, and her moisture was working its way all around him. He had never felt anything quite like what he was feeling.

He watched her expression carefully, he knew she felt a little more than exposed, and then it changed. She was blushing but she was again the girl on fire, the epitome of a victor before the madness of the world had changed so much in them both.

The confidence he now saw in her demeanor was the confidence of love, the blush made her breathtaking, and he smiled up at his Mockingjay. "You still have no idea the effect that you have on people."

Katniss shook her head as she leaned over to kiss him. Gasping as she felt the tip of him slide into the edge of her opening. She slid her hand down between them holding him steady and pushed herself onto him, his hands were already clamped on her hips, his hissing intake of breath mixed with her small cry of pain as she felt herself tear for the first time.

The only good thing from their exposure to so much pain and torture was that this pain was the shortest lived and possibly the most pleasurable they had both endured in their tortured lives.

Her body shuddered uncontrollably as she savored the feeling of having him inside of her in the most intimate of ways, they were one. They kissed one another ravenously, her hands running over his strong arms and shoulders, inhaling the scent of him, kissing him.

Peeta gripped her legs, her hips, her waist pulling her more tightly against him. Before either of them knew it their bodies were moving in a rhythm of their own. Each one taking and giving, the powerful need between them growing ever stronger, like the waves in District 4.

The full morning sunlight was now streaming through the window. He observed her in the sunlight taking in her movements and kissing her. Glad for the light that he was able to see something he had waited for, for so long.

"Will you stay with me?" Her choked whisper came at the crest of their emotional build up. Tears were streaming down her face as she kissed his neck gripping his body tightly to hers.

"Always." His reply came at the moment of their release. "Always" he kept whispering as they held each other tightly their bodies shuddering.

…

Peeta watched over Katniss as she slept the rest of the morning. The Capitol had done so much to damage to them, but here and now, they were slowly starting to find their way back to one another. He understood that things would never be simple or even easy between them.

The sunlight streaming into their room illuminated her once more, he recalled something he had said to her while in District 13, and shook his head at how petty he had been. The beauty that Katniss held was the beauty of hope. That was what all of Panem had been drawn to, her strength and the idea that there would be a better tomorrow.

A truth he knew beyond words that he loved her, but he wanted to hear one word from her. Leaning over he brushed her hair from her forehead. "You love me, real or not real?"

A very small smile played on her lips as she curled in closer to his embrace whispering a sleepy, "Real."

 **a/n: As I re-read the whole series and particularly Mockingjay. I was struck at just how much physical an emotional damage these two are put through. Plus Ms. Collins just leaves most of Mockingjay in a cliff hanger when it comes to their relationship. I just wanted to explore their relationship a bit and maybe work my way to their children.**


	2. Chapter 2

The fighting was getting worse. To the point that Haymitch was concerned, that was when I realized how bad things had actually gotten. Haymitch made it a point to never get involved in our business and for him to give his unsolicited opinions broke me down further. I was losing her.

Four years ago when we lost the first child she had almost left me then. It happened three weeks after she found out her most dreaded nightmare was coming true. If I hadn't heard her exclamations of dismay and entered the bathroom at the moment I did, I'm sure she would have kept it from me. _Real or not real?_

The overwhelming joy I felt in that moment was to be completely eclipsed by the pain the next weeks would bring. 

She had left the house early to go hunting the previous night she had been complaining about abdominal pain and I asked her to delay going out.

"Peeta I need this. I won't be out long." was her reply to my request.

She looked a little flushed but I attributed that to the cooling weather. We left the house together and walked in silence in the direction of the bakery. The anxiety I was feeling had me wound up, if it continued there was a very real possibility of my having an episode, something that hadn't happened in many years. She gripped my hand tightly and I swung her into my arms kissing her putting all my emotions into that small act.

"Stay with me?" I pleaded once more. "I'll make the cheese buns you like so much." I looked at her through my lashes, something that generally worked to get my way.

"Not today Peeta," she kissed me once more. I could tell there was a lot on her mind and I didn't miss the brief wince of pain. "I'm fine, I'll be back before noon." She replied to my concerned look further stopping any more comment by me as she turned toward the meadow.

By mid-morning my nerves were so wound tight I was starting to scare Delly and Posy. This behavior had been absent for so long they weren't sure how to handle the situation. I went up to the office to get away from their nervous glances, thinking that closing my eyes might help abate the anxiety.

Yet as soon as I closed my eyes the first thing that greeted my vision were the lizard mutts that had torn Finnick to shreds leaving Annie alone and her child without a father. My eyes flew open and I ran from the office taking the stairs two at a time.

My heart hammered wildly in my ears, I should have never let her leave the house, something was wrong.

 _Real or not real?_

You tell me. My psyche had no idea and there was no one to answer my thoughts. The pain in my prosthetic leg grew as I continued my mad dash towards the meadow and her main hunting trail. If nothing was wrong I was going to get a long talking to for scaring away the game for a week. But...my mind wouldn't leave it alone something was wrong. It was a gut feeling.

A long time ago she had taken the time to walk me through her many trails. This one led to the lake and the hut where she had met the refugee women from district 8, the one that led to the strawberries, and the one that led to where she used to meet Gale, so long ago. As I crashed into the woods I tore off in the direction of her meeting place with Gale it was where she preferred to go and think. It was her own personal sanctuary where she went to be alone.

As I approached the clearing I couldn't see her anywhere, my heart and brain were starting to battle out the panic mode. Part of me was angry she had come out anyway, the other part of me was becoming hysterical, scared, and senseless which triggered the hijacking effects but I was strong enough to fight that off.

"Katniss!" I hollered and paused to listen; the woods had grown quiet in response to my reckless trampling. I listened hard, from this point I would have no idea where she would have wondered off to, if she even came this way.

Looking around frantically for any signs she had been here I noticed shuffle marks headed out from the clearing. The ground looked freshly disturbed and since I could never track her, this came to me as a bad omen. "Katniss!" I yelled once more and headed in. 

My stomach dropped as I began to see more signs that she had come this way. Twigs and branches were being carelessly broken and bent. "Katniss!" My head jerked as I heard some shuffling and now I wasn't sure if my mind was playing tricks on me. "Is it you, real or not real?"

There was no verbal response. I held as still as possible when the sound of the crash reached me it felt like it couldn't have been more than fifty feet away. Following the signs I found her tangled in a thicket a few minutes later.

"Katniss..." I reached for her body not sure if it was reality or hallucination. When I gripped her tight to me I knew beyond a doubt she was real I felt the burning heat radiating from her body. Placing my ear to her chest I could hear her heart beating furiously. I scooped up her body close to mine, she was shaking uncontrollably even as cold as it was most of her clothes were soaked in perspiration.

She let out a groan of pain as I started moving as quickly as I could with her back towards the Seam. Now that I had found her one fear had slightly abated, yet there was something horribly wrong. The trip back to town felt like an eternity yet the noon bell had yet to toll.

Katniss's head lolled lifelessly from side to side as I ran toward the healer's station halfway there I changed my mind instead taking her to Haymitch. By this time several people from town had seen me running with my incapacitated wife and a few small children had ran ahead of me to Haymitch's yelling all the way thinking it was a game.

I only had to kick at the door once before I heard his welcome voice.

"Who the hell is causing so much ruckus you'd better git before I call in the peace-" there were angry scuffling sounds coming from inside as he made his way to the door.

"Haymitch open up its Katniss!" I yelled.

He had seen me through the window and opened the door. I carried her through to the couch in his sitting room, "Hey, you're going to be ok." I wasn't sure if I was reassuring her or myself.

"Watch her will you?" I barked at Haymitch as I ran for his phone dialing the one number Katniss would hate me for calling. Yet it was better than calling Plutarch.

"Hello" the voice on the other end carried a softness that Katniss would never have.

"Mrs. Everdeen, it's Peeta, Katniss..." my voice faltered. "There's something wrong, she-we just found out she is pregnant." I ignored the exclamation from the living room, we hadn't even told Haymitch yet. "She was complaining of abdominal pain last night and went out hunting this morning I found her about an hour ago collapsed in the woods, she's burning like she has a fever and shaking as if she is freezing she hasn't said anything...I can't lose her! Do something." I dropped the phone back in the receiver without so much as a good bye.

By the time I crossed back to Katniss the phone had started ringing incessantly.

Haymitch went and answered.

It didn't even cross my mind to pay attention to the conversation I was consumed by worry. In the time since we parted ways that morning to the moment I found her and carried her back it was clear something really bad had happened. The hand on my shoulder startled me out of my reverie.

"That was Gale...Plutarch was called, District 13 is sending a hovercraft. They're the closest district with medical technology." Haymitch sat heavily next to Katniss' feet staring at me, but now wasn't the time.

It was almost as if on cue the sounds of the hover craft reached out ears. Leaning over I brushed her sweat soaked hair from her forehead and kissed it. "You're going to be ok, real, real, real?" She wouldn't answer me so I kept repeating the word to myself. I could almost feel the residual hijacking hallucinations threatening to return but I had no time for that.

The medics burst into Haymitch's small living room, putting an end to my almost sure loss of sanity. They quickly strapped Katniss to a gurney and carried her off. Haymitch and I scrambling behind, as soon as the cargo door to the craft was closed it took off.

Inside we watched as the team ripped off her clothing outfitted her with a medical gown and started an IV. The monitors revealed that her heart rate was going up, her blood levels were showing signs of toxicity that would send her body into shock if it wasn't treated soon.

The head medic came up to me. "What can you tell me about her condition?" This was too much they were supposed to be the medical ones not me.

I repeated everything I had told her mother. She started complaining of a head ache the previous night she hadn't gotten better, I asked her to not go out, she went anyway...how was this going to affect the baby?

"Baby?! She's pregnant? How far along is she?" The woman scribbled notes on her medical papers frowning at the clip board like it had done her a serious injustice.

"We just found out 3 weeks ago." I said.

"And her last cycle ended when?" The woman looked at me pointedly, waiting.

She had me there, I had never really known. From all the stress and worry, anger Katniss carried she had been far from regular. It was the one thing she kept from me precisely because she didn't want to have children, I was pretty unaware.

Correctly assuming my silence meant I didn't know she continued. "Had she confirmed the pregnancy with your district medical office?"

"No...not that she'd said anything to me." Our district medical office was more of a glorified first aid station. I wasn't even positive she had gone there.

By this time we had landed and were rushing down the familiar halls to the medical wing we had both occupied during the rebellion. Some of the memories that were trudged up I'd hoped never to remember again.

"…and have them bring up the sono machine." the head medic was barking orders rapidly to the assistants and prep the operating room just in case..."

Haymitch and I were escorted roughly from the area to wait in a different room. The confined space was driving me insane. I was like a caged animal pacing the short length of the room. Haymitch sat in shocked silence each of us was lost to our own thoughts mine were growing darker with each passing moment.

Just when I thought I couldn't bear it any longer the medic from the hovercraft finally came in.

"Is she ok?" was the one and only question that I needed answered.

"Yes," her tone was heavy yet I still breathed a sigh of relief. "but." And there it was the one word that gripped my heart with cold icy doubt.

"The baby didn't make it."

My heart skipped a beat, and it felt as though a part of me had died. I barely heard the chair screech as Haymitch came up to squeeze my shoulder.

"What happened? Is that what was wrong? What happened?" I couldn't make sense of what information I wanted, needed.

"Peeta, the embryo attached in one of her tubes. It was an ectopic pregnancy. She's very lucky to be alive…" she could perceive the pain I was feeling by just looking at me. I could tell because it was mirrored on her face. "If you hadn't found her when you did, she might very well be dead. Her tube ruptured, I am so very sorry for your loss. If you had been any later there is a very real possibility that Katniss would have died…"

I did this to her…the darkness was threatening to take over. If I hadn't been so selfish with what I wanted she would have never gone through this, I had almost killed her.

"…Peeta?" The medic reached a tentative hand out to me. "Don't blame yourself, these things happen. She will need you now. They should be done cleaning her up. Really you saved her, there is nothing that could have been done for the child…I am so sorry…" with those words she walked away.

I stared at the wall seeing nothing. I could feel the anger building, the sensation of hijacking building.

Haymitch squeezed my shoulder once more, drawing me out of my thoughts once more. "I'm going to go see her; you look like you could use a moment."

A moment, I could use a moment. Coming from Haymitch it was almost an insult…I wasn't thinking clearly. A burning feeling stung the backs of my eyes, my breathing quickened, my heart felt like it was being wrenched in half. Anger, frustration, helplessness, loss, death…emotions and feelings were coursing through me. I grabbed the chair Haymitch had occupied and I threw it with all my might against the concrete walls. I exploded; the sound of the chair wasn't as gratifying as I had hoped. I yelled at the full force of my lungs, the sound was that of a strangled wild animal possibly dying.

It was the helpless frustration I had felt when we learned about the quarter quell, it was what I had felt every moment as Snow tortured and hijacked me, it was what I had seen Katniss live through every moment when she relived her sister dying in the bombings at the Capitol. Despair at the loss of something that I had wanted more than anything since Katniss had returned to me.

Katniss.

Shame and guilt overwhelmed the feelings of the rage I had felt and I crumpled to the ground sobbing huddled in a ball. I had no idea how long I had been like that and that was how Johanna found me.

A tray with water and a bowl of soup with a rough biscuit was placed on the floor next to me. "I would almost say this is reminiscent of old times, but that would be fucked up. Here drink the water."

I sat up, and after the first swallow found that I was voraciously thirsty and finished the glass in a few frantic gulps. "Thanks." I muttered.

The slap to the face came from nowhere. Yet that was the way Johanna liked to express herself. "You do realize that Katniss has no idea where you are? She's been asking for you. Quit blaming yourself, you'll have plenty of time to do that if you want, but she needs you. Finish your food and get on your way before I hurt you more." With that ultimatum she embraced me, which was her own way of expressing her sorrow for the situation. I finished the meal and went in search of Katniss fearful of what she would say, I had done this to her I would face my consequences.


	3. Chapter 3

Haymitch was slumped next to the door to Katniss' room he too had a tray of food next to him, whether or not it was Johanna's work of someone else from District 13 it probably didn't matter.

I had my hand on the door knob not sure of how I felt about having to go in. Haymitch grabbed my pant leg before I made my decision. "She's alive, that's what matters. I am sorry though, I know how much you wanted…all of that."

I blinked _all of that._ Was that what a child's life was summed up to in district 12? All of _that,_ the possibility of life and perhaps some joy for Katniss…I knew she didn't want it, she had never wanted it, but it could have changed her.

What would it have been like to see her eyes in the smiling face of a child, to hear its laughter, to have its love? This life was hard, the world had changed so much, but so much good had come of our triumphs, even when we had paid such a high price but something had to be worth it. So yes I wanted _all of that,_ I wanted it badly, now I was unsure if I would ever get another chance. What was this going to do to Katniss?

The back of my throat seemed to close off so I nodded and squeezed his shoulder as I opened the door and walked inside. I didn't have the strength to say anything to him.

The door closed behind me, the room was dimly lit. Katniss lay in the bed in a simple medic gown staring at the steady drops from the intravenous fluids they were giving her.

"They say when this bag is done they'll take it out. I wonder if Johanna has taken any for herself?" she didn't turn to look at me.

I pulled up a chair to her bed, her usually tidy braid was mussed hairs that had been matted to her head from the sweat earlier were starting to fly away. I reached over to tuck a few strands behind her ear.

"Haymitch said they stopped the morphlin after the surgery. They'll be giving you an oral pain pill." This wasn't the conversation I had initially pictured us having. "Are you-"

"Don't" she hissed. "Don't ask me if I'm ok."

Her eyes had snapped to mine the instant I had started my question. It was difficult to read her expression. To me it was almost as if she had been hijacked, I remembered what it had been like after she had killed Coin. In this world we were all broken. I put my head into my hands, I didn't know what else to say, how to be there for her.

"They told me the…b-…it, was eleven weeks along. That it had a heartbeat…" she trailed off.

"Katniss…" I took her hand, wrapping my overly warm ones around that cold listless hand, bringing it up to my lips kissing it softly and bringing it up to my forehead so I could hide behind them. "I was so scared when I found you." The fact that she didn't pull her hand back was a start. "Katniss…I couldn't, I wouldn't live without you." I felt the slightest of pressure on my hand, and that was enough.

What a strange and broken pair we are, sitting in the steadily darkening room. I had looked up after I said my peace and felt better when I saw her eyes had closed. Her body was huddled close to the edge of the bed. When she started whimpering in her sleep I crawled into the narrow bed with her.

Feeling her body relax and press into mine expressed more to me that she could with words. I held her brushing the hair on her head.

I must have fallen asleep because something had roused me. Opening my eyes confirmed what my body had realized before me, Katniss had left the bed.

"Prim"

The half strangled sob came again, near the back of the room. "Prim…don't leave me…come back."

Ever the hunter she heard me as I got off the bed. "Peeta" she was crying.

Reaching her I wrapped my arms around her. "She was here." There was no resistance as I picked up her small frame and walked her back to the bed.

"Prim was here?" I asked, I was confused, Katniss was never one to have forgotten her sister's death and it was a pain she refused to live without, her punishment for being alive.

"Yes, but she is gone now, said she had to watch over her, how I had watched out for her. She said she wouldn't come back this time."

It was hard not to be unnerved by what she was telling me, I didn't make sense. Katniss didn't believe in the fairy tales some of the others from District 12 did. For her there was pain and then there was nothing. She had never spoken about Prim as being present.

"Katniss, what do you mean?"

"Out in the woods… she was…with me….said…"

"What did she say? Katniss?" She was already asleep in my arms. I held her in my arms staring at the lights blinking in the darkness.

When dawn broke Katniss did not mention her conversation about Prim and I knew better than to ask about.

We stayed in District 13 two more days. Before our departure a medic came to speak with both of us and gave me the bottle of pain pills and instructions on not to be intimate for up to eight weeks.

"Katniss, your body has been through a lot, you want to be sure to give it time to heal. Although one of your tubes ruptured you will still be able to have children if-"

Katniss cut across the medic to say "No! That is not what I want."

I tried to tell myself that it was too early, that the medic had brought it up too soon. Seeing the resolve on her face, there was no possible way I could have prepared myself for the pain that rejection sent through me.

The medic raised her hands "No, of course not. Erm…" she couldn't think of anything further to say.

Katniss persisted, "How do I make sure it doesn't happen to me again?"

"Maybe this is something you can discuss with Peeta, when you have had time to heal, after that then we can discuss other options."

I watched as Katniss stared down the poor woman who you could feel recoil. Thankfully that was when Haymitch rejoined us to say the carrier was ready and would be dropping us back in district 12 on its way back to the Capitol.

If at one point in my life I thought that the Games has prepared me for pain and sorrow I was mistaken. As if by some measure of delusion I thought that the tragedy of losing our first child would bring us closer together, the world soon proved me wrong. The next few weeks would bring a new level of pain and loss as Katniss withdrew further and further from me. This was how she coped with loss. It was how she had survived after returning to district 12 until I found her.

As a small measure of comfort Buttercup was the only one she allowed near her. She stopped talking to me, she started sleeping in Prim's room, and even if she was in the same room with me she wasn't present.

Five weeks after our return I found myself in Haymitch's kitchen. He had been drinking off and on. More after visits from Effie, she couldn't bear to move to the slum that was District 12 and he couldn't bear the Capitol, both seemed content in their own solitude but something had happened between them.

Effie had come after hearing the news. Plutarch had kept most of it out of the knowledge of the districts. Katniss was beyond us all. Prim would have been the one to help her through this but that would never be. Effie returned to the Capitol when she realized there was nothing she could do.

Haymitch and I wound up drinking ourselves into oblivion.

Everything that mattered ceased to have meaning. The constant anger and frustration led to hijacking episodes and I was beginning to lose my grip on reality. That's what chronic pain can do to people fucked up in the head.

"You're drunk."

I turned my head in the direction of the voice so fast that the room spun and I held tightly to the door to support myself. "What of it?"

"Why didn't you come home last night, Peeta?"

After weeks of not speaking one would think I would be thrilled by the new development but given the level of intoxication and buildup of resentment and anger I couldn't bring myself to care.

The room was starting to get shiny, I knew I should find a dark room and ride out my personal hell but I couldn't get my body to respond.

"Does it really matter?"

"Yes, I was worried."

It was a moment before I realized that the laughter was coming from my own mouth.

"Why are you laughing?"

Only it wasn't Katniss talking through my hijack vision this time it was a twisted form of myself the part of me that filled me with the deepest shame. _Because you're worthless, Peeta, that's why you're laughing._

"SHUT UP!" I grabbed my head against the searing pain, but it was also tight across my chest, conflicting pain.

"Peeta!"

"Shut up! You think you're the only one who lost something?" _Look at her, she's happy she didn't carry your spawn. Did you really think she would want to have a child with you? Look at you?_

It had been so long since one of these episodes it was disconcerting how frightening the experience was becoming. Katniss recoiled and the hijacking took over reason.

"You never wanted the child, real? Not real? REAL? NOT REAL? REAL? NOT REAL?"

"Stop it! Peeta!"

"Don't touch me! MUTT! MUTT! MUTT! GET AWAY FROM ME!" _Worthless mutt, Capitol Mutt, worthless weak Peeta Mellark, kill Katnisssss, killed your child…_ NO! "NOT REAL! NOT REAL!"

The door burst open. Haymitch was the last vision I had before I was knocked to the ground.

What a broken pair we make.

The distant sound of thunder was the first sound I had heard. I had been under morphling before to recognize it's sickly after effects. Real? Or not Real?

A wave of shame came over me as I remembered bits and pieces of what had happened. The broken sounds of choked off sobbing were enough to make me feel grateful for once that the child had not survived. Katniss was right. How could we bring an innocent infant into our hapless broken lives?

This was the last time I would let myself lose control like that. Haymitch was right, Katniss was alive and that would have to be enough.


	4. Chapter 4

The cool touch of a rag across my forehead was the first thing I remember coming out of the blackness of the hijacking. Still I did not want to open my eyes. The feelings of shame and guilt were fresh open wounds on my soul, opening my eyes would cause the thin scars to break open spilling my pain back into a place where it wasn't welcome. And still the presence and the rag remained.

"Peeta?" The voice was familiar, _Katniss?_ No, she never did have the softness of her mother and Prim.

"Mrs. Everdeen?" my voice sounded hoarse and alien in my ears from the rawness in my throat and the disuse.

"I have some water, here, can you sit up?"

Somewhere in my mind my senses sought how to operate my eye lids. However, the remaining vestiges of morphling were impeding my ability to function. A small but strong arm gripped my forearm and helped to sit up. At last I cracked my eyes just enough to accept the cup in her outstretched hands. "Thank you," was all I could manage.

When I finished I handed the mug back to her waiting hand. Swallowing I attempted to ask what was on my mind. "Why did you…does Katniss know, why are you here?"

She must have sensed that I had strained myself trying to say all that because the cup was extended once more and I didn't protest, I took it and sipped slowly.

"Haymitch called." There seemed like there wasn't much else to say, "Hazelle let me in, Katniss was asleep. I haven't seen her."

"Thank you," I managed, but that did not sum up why I felt such a surge of gratefulness, "Katniss needs you."

There was a soft self-deprecating laugh from her, "Katniss doesn't need me, she stopped needing me when…when her father died."

You could hear the hurt in the words and yet knowing Katniss it was as if you could hear Katniss' stubbornness, her courage, and her drive. I knew her mother had been very sick with the sadness after the mining explosion and had it not been for that one moment in fate I wonder if we would ever have found our way to this life? No, one of us would have died in that arena the first time and I am certain it would have been me. We wouldn't be sitting here there would be no here and now for me.

"You're wrong, you know. You might actually be the only person who could empathize with her situation." I would almost bet that Haymitch had been thinking the same thing when he asked her to come. A soft knock interrupted her thoughts and mine.

"Katniss is awake. Should I tell her you're here?" Hazelle whispered from the door.

"I'll be there in a moment," Mrs. Everdeen replied evenly, turning to me she said. "I don't know what to say to her."

I squeezed her hand, sometimes you didn't need words. Letting go, she straightened her apron over her skirt and walked out the door down the hall to where Katniss was in the room that was once her mothers and sisters.

…

The shadows were growing longer in the room and it was getting harder to see but the steady swish swish swish of the pencil on the vellum was commanding my full attention.

Hazelle had come in to take away the lunch tray hours ago and when she had come she had set something on the table. I hadn't heard from Katniss or her mother, it wasn't my time to intrude. Soon amends would have to be made for the things that had been done and said. I finally made my way to the table to see what she had left there and felt a tiny spasm of panic when I saw that it was my sketching satchel and The Book, our commemoration of all the fallen tributes until the taking of the Capitol.

My fingers ran lightly over the soft leather of the satchel and the binding of the book. As I composed my breathing I crossed to the windows and opened them letting in the light of the early afternoon sun. On my way back to the bed I picked up both the satchel and the book.

I opened the satchel and found the pouch containing my drawing pencils and the pastels and then fished out the smaller book with district made paper sheets. My fingers tensed and then as the ideas came the page came alive in my hand. Katniss' eyes, her face, the body as only I knew it and in a state of longing and a sense of loss I changed it's form slowly at first and then to what it might have looked like. In the next few series a small bundle in her arms, my arms around both, tiny fingers clutching larger ones. A small figure between us both.

It hurt, I couldn't find the right way of expressing the soul I wanted to capture, it was beyond imagining but getting it out felt like exercising it from my heart, drawing out the poison slowly. I wanted it, but in light of what we had been through maybe this would be enough, imagining the life of the one we had lost.

There was an old photograph in the room one of Katniss, Mrs. Everdeen, and Prim in the bedroom, it must have been after the triumphant return of our first Hunger Games. Prim was awash in joy, her mother, the relief was evident in her eyes, Katniss...it was difficult to tell. She knew more than she let on and I...I remembered the words I had thrown at her out of anger...it was fake, real or not real?

Real...she had no idea how I felt about her, since before the bread, since the day her hand shot up to sing the meadow song in school. She saved me, saved us both. It was strange thinking back and feeling it from her side...she was burdened. That was the look on her face carrying the weight of what the Games had thrust upon her and I had used it against her. And she had picked me? I wouldn't have picked me.

Looking at her face and looking over the drawings I had made made me feel a wave of sadness...was this something else I was thrusting upon her? What had I done? I thought back to the conversation in the Capitol with Gale. _Oh that I do know. Katniss will pick whoever she can't survive without._ She had picked me. I had also picked her. After the hell and torment the Capitol had put us through, the Games, the Quarter Quell, hijacking and war, we had still found some piece of ourselves. Wasn't that enough for me? For now it had to be. And then I understood a small portion of the weight she bore in the picture.

My fingers moved side to side on the vellum slowly and deliberately filling in light and dark shadows on the only face I knew better than my own. There was an ache in my heart when I realized that past the pain of mourning the lost child I was mourning the insecurity I was feeling, the pain of losing Katniss in a way that she would be lost to me because I had been the one to yell blame for things that I was hurting over. The drawing was my own silent prayer that on top of every pain we had been through that there would be a way to rise again from the ashes of destruction in our lives.


	5. Chapter 5

Peeta sat at the table staring at the stair case. The window behind him was still dark. It was hard to tell if it was letting up or not. The only source of light came from the oven.

In front of him was a mess of pastel drawing sticks and parchments. Stormy grey eyes followed his gaze. When they started shimmering he quickly gathered them up and placed them gently in the leather satchel where he kept his current supplies.

He sat hunched over, elbows on the table working his fingertips into the bridge of his nose. For today to work he needed to keep his personal demons away. His heart ached. Slowly he drew his breath in deliberately counting the way Dr. Aurelius had instructed him.

At his last session he had brought up his plan. The line was quiet for minutes on end. A prickle of impatience flared and as he was opening his mouth the doctor responded.

"Peeta…you have no control over anything. Especially not over her feelings. I do support what you are trying to do but…if –"

"Yes I understand." I didn't want to hear it again. What would be, would be.

A small metallic ding brought him out of his reverie. He looked up momentarily confused, the kitchen window was much lighter than it had be mere moments before. He had a plan.

He pushed himself off the kitchen stool, wincing as the stiffness of his distal ached as he stood swaying slightly before crossing to the oven to pull out his work. The warm aroma filling the kitchen as he went to set the baking sheet down.

"That smells delicious."

His body jerked involuntarily as if he had been stung and the tray clattering to the countertop. He let out a hiss as his fingers came in contact with the hot metal. "Damn," he winced looking over his shoulder to see her standing in the kitchen when mere moments ago she had not been there. He hadn't heard her get up. He was glad he had returned the drawings to the satchel.

"Oh, you're hurt. I…I'm sorry I didn't mean to startle you…" she walked over and took his hand guiding him to the faucet. Turning the nozzle to where only a small dribble of water came out and held his hand under the cold stream.

Peeta stared in disbelief, unsure if the throbbing in his fingers was due to the burn or to the touch of the woman who stood next to him. His senses were coming of the fight or flight trigger he had experienced at the surprise of her voice and the pain and now the touch.

He leaned into the body next to him, his nose brushing her hair, he felt her stiffen for a moment and then relax. "It's feeling better, thank you." Instinct took over, the familiarity of her being, all the details he had learned about her through their years together. He worked his fingers into hers and held her hands the cool touch of the water was an added sensation.

She held still, not pulling away…she was on the opposite end of the hunter/prey relationship.

Peeta moved slowly as to not startle her, his cheek running down the silkiness of her hair, he felt a little drunk not quite there like it was a dream of sorts, one in which de desperately did not want to wake from. His lips touched the soft skin behind her ear and continued trailing down to her neck. He kissed each freckle from her neck down to her shoulder, lips smoothing the goose flesh that trailed from his touch.

He couldn't look at the eyes that haunted his drawings, not yet. His forehead kept them connected as he pressed it against her temple rocking side to side until their noses touched. She wasn't breathing but her pulse was heightened. He took a deep breath and closed his mouth on hers perhaps rougher than he had intended.

Katniss took a gasping breath.

He could feel the air being pulled from him and from the kitchen the air tasting of bread and tears. He wasn't sure when his hands had found their way to her hair gripping it like a lifeline. He felt the cold drip of water down his neck her hands cold and wet, the sound of the water dribbling quietly in the background trying not to intrude.

The gasps turned into sobs and he held her as her body was wracked with the pain of their reunion. They sank to the floor leaning against the kitchen cabinet as she clutched him and he held her in his arms. She sounded like a wounded animal. Pain and anguish coursing through her, everything she never allowed herself to feel flowing forth as a torrent of emotions.

Peeta held her in her grief it was a shared grief. The only difference was he had worked though this with Haymitch.

Rays of light came in through the window and Peeta watched the hues changing on the tiny particles that were floating in the air. Watching the light working its way across his field of vision, it was how he could tell the time was passing. It had still been more or less dark when he kissed her, she had sobbed until the light had worked its way off the ceiling and onto the highest part of the wall.

His body ached and was numb in places but he would not relinquish his hold on her body she had fallen asleep sitting between his legs, arms wrapped around his neck face buried in the hollow of his neck, her knees under his right arm. His only concession to his comfort was his raised left leg supporting most of her back and his left arm. But that too was becoming unbearable, the prosthetic rubbing against the elastic bandage. He would have to make sure he rubbed the vestiges of the edema completely from the limb but that could wait.

Today marked the anniversary of losing their child.

Today marked the first kiss in over a year.

In a year that was filled with many painful unknowns he couldn't bring himself to move for fear of decimating the small bubble of hope that had welled up uncomfortably in his heart. Vulnerability was holding the woman he loved and not knowing if she had returned to him. He sat silently breathing in the smell of her, memorizing the details he had missed. Telling him-self it was because he had the time, not because of the fear he might spend another year kept at arms-length.

The sun slowly crawled its way down the wall.

…

There was a whisper that drew her away from the child that ran through the meadow evading her…it was a word breathed out in the dark past of her memories one that had been calling to her. One from which she had been running from.

Her eyelids fluttered confused by her surroundings momentarily.

There is was again, like a memory long forgotten. The breath warm against her ear.

"Always."

She has been drowning this past year. It was worse, so much worse, than the loss of Prim. Never had it occurred to her that she would face something more terrible than losing her beloved sister. Yet, she had lost a piece of her body and her entire soul.

"Always." Came the whisper again.

She was rising. For a moment she fought to stay below to hang onto the dark, it was safe in the deep abyss. Now it was a life and death struggle, she had been given a lifesaving breath and her soul had awakened to find that it had been there all along. With it came the price, the unbearable pain, the howl of desperation…had that really been her.

"Always."

And her heart constricted in fear, she had to get out and she kicked frantically to the surface to the light that shown brightly above. Her soul was waiting. Fear had paralyzed her but life had seeped in. _I'm coming_ she thought desperately. _Peeta. Will you stay with me?_

…

His eyes opened. Had he fallen asleep? No, he hadn't quite been asleep but he hadn't been exactly awake either. He was held in the in-between and he heard her whisper. "Peeta. Will you stay with me?"

He found himself staring into the fathomless depths of her soul. The gray eyes piercing, devoid of the veil they had worn over the year. Her hands were warm on the sides of her face she was searching for something. There was recognition; there was a myriad of emotions playing out one after another, tears suspended, and waiting.

His face hardened with a fierce anger he hadn't known in so long a determination to be there no matter what their demons brought them.

"Always." His voice was clear, unwavering, and sure.

His mouth met hers roughly but she responded in kind with the passion that comes from surviving the darkest circles of hell and living to see another morning. The lost being found in the realm of life giving desire, with the pain that lets you know you are alive. Giving and taking and when they were utterly spent, they stayed there in a tangle of limbs, neither one moving. The sound of the water continued softly.

 _a/n: Um…so that happened. First off let me apologize to everyone who has signed up for story alerts. I stopped writing on this because I was unsure where I was going. Just a side note Katniss surprised me by coming to the kitchen…that wasn't where I was going with this at all. I'm rambling. For you twenty-three souls that signed up to find out what happens next, thank you so much it means the world to me. So I will continue. Maybe if I can find some sort of rhythm to the writing I'll finally spill what's been happening in my head with these two. I don't know who is reading who might have young kids or know young kids but even in solid relationships children can throw you for a loop. And I can't get it out of my head how these two broken souls find a way to power through that. So onward we shall go._


End file.
